Day 1

Today is a Saturday, one that is hot and muggy and a little unbearable. Somehow it feels a little like my life right now. My husband is struggling with his job. I never thought that as we grew older he would be the one struggling, but I guess it is mine turn to take care of him.
Should I respond differet? Should I have nurtured him to bring him down as well? Questions, questions, question, question.....how being an adult is 95% of the time you wish you were a kid again.
Marriage is for better or worse right? So a rough patch we shall see and this too will pass. So even though it is a little early...I love you bryan david wagner and want you to know that you are my best friend ever.

Insomnia

So I suffer from insomnia I have decided, but being that I work in the medical field I have decided to create my own type of insomnia. It is one that is plagued with thoughts of where did I put that paper that I had last week that had that number that I needed to go on another paper that I put somewhere on my desk next to another paper that I get at least 10 phone calls a week on that I really haven't had time to fill out because I need to find the original paper. So if you made it through that sentence and you are understanding my crazy version of insomnia give me your thoughts on what plagues yours....None of that I've got bills crap, I want some blow your mind insomnia causes...here is another one for you...i want to squeeze my husbands nostrils shut because the sound of him breathing just happens to really annoy me today. Given that isn't an everyday insomnia cause, today that is what it would be and I really cant go back in my bedroom with the thought that he may be breathing loudly enough to annoy me even more than he already has in the past two days. Insomnia cause 101 i could teach the class....btw I do love my husband, he is quite possible the love of my life, but he is irritating right now just because I am a woman and men irritate me and my children are too young to irritate me on the "guy" level, they are still stuck at the "kid" irritation level.

So tell me about your insomnia...any tricks you have pass those along too...I love my ambien but somedays it just doesn't work, such as today because I am up blogging at 11:20 pm instead of my warm cozy bed.

Trying to survive

I haven't ever been a person to be down or agitated. Sure I get my bad moods but they don't last long and usually get over them fairly quickly, but lately I have been struggling. I love my job for those of you who read this and don't know I worked in a job for 9 years that I HATED. I dreaded everyday going to work and was even forced on early maternity leave because of all the stress it created, but still I didn't struggle as I am now. Work has become a difficult place to be and as I struggle to grasp why I am so unhappy I find myself questioning if I even want to walk into work.

I know I am lucky to have a well paying job that comes with some good benefits, but really is that what I want when I am so lost that I can't seem to even be happy. For me I am a perfectionist, I don't like to fail I strive to overachieve but I struggle to get out of bed to go to work. I wonder what will the day bring, what problems will arise today. Am I truly failing? Do I truly love what I am doing?

Struggling to be happy at home to hide the sadness is becoming difficult. I want to be a good mom to make their lives the best they can be but can they see it? Am I hiding it well enough? I don't want to feel sorry for myself anymore, I want to be happy. I want to love my job as much as I did a few months ago but it takes all I have to just get up and function.

One of "those" days

So I was surfing around myspace earlier tonight, which might I mention is not something to do when you've had a bad day, and decided to friend search. Being the curious (nosy, as Bryan would call it) person that I am I decided to type in the name of Curtis' biological mother. I know she has a myspace because she used to be a friend, but I deleted her in a moment of anger. Up until today she has been private, but today of all days I look and her profile is now public. So what am I to do? Ignore or be the curious person I am, well I can't deny who I am so, so I start looking around there are all these pictures of all her other kids and how she loves them and is proud of them, blah, blah, blah and then there is the BLOG. By this time I am only moderately seething, so I decide to take a look and here is this blog about kids and Christmas, and how her kids are having the best Christmas and have all these presents under the tree and so on. I am going to be low and unChristian-like right now and mention that her son, her first born, she gave him a mini-webkinz...cost $4.99, now I know the cost isn't what counts, but how can you sit there and go on and on about how much you provided for your children when you don't even acknowledge your first born. When you haven't paid child support in over 6 years and haven't contacted your child in years. So I am sitting there questioning whether or not I should comment...praying to God that he will give me the strength to ignore her and her petty ways, and reminding myself that He will judge her in the end and that is not my job.
I didn't comment, I am chalking that one up to God. He kept my fingers from typing away and allowed me to vent my frustrations in my Blog rather than on her website. I will do what she can't...and won't....Curtis Michael Wagner,11 years old, and almost a tweenager if you ask him. Has a personality to rival most adults and a heart to hold the world in, he is the best big brother and helps his "real" mom (that would be me) and dad everyday with the little things. Great in school after overcoming some difficult struggles, loves monster trucks, wrestling, football, and his family and the absolute love of my life. I would say my life began when I met Bryan, and in a way it did, but my MOM-life began the minute I met my baby boy, who can't really be considered a baby by anyone except his mom because he is almost taller than me...lol:) Here's a picture of my baby boy:

true love

i read the people magazine every week. a way to escape the humdrum of everyday life and immerse myself in someone elses. every now and then there is an article that makes me read twice and look into more, i found one this week. it is about a father and daughter. this is interestingly enough about a man who blogs about his life with his daughter. the blog began when the man's wife became pregnant and it was to help family and friends follow the pregnancy. 27 and a half hours after the baby was born, her mother died, but the man continued to blog as a way to keep her memory alive for their newborn daughter. what followed was amazing blog that really captures the human spirit of how we survive when our true love dies (and leaves us alone with a newborn). i found the website...www.mattlogelin.com...and have been hooked. the man takes these incredible pictures and gives a no nonesense look at life with an infant and going it alone in life. the love he has for his wife is amazing, i wonder how people grieve sometimes, but how do you grieve when the love of your life dies and leaves you behind with an infant. thats when you truly see the strength of the human spirit. it shows that people are not perfect, they make mistakes, but they can make it through with some perserverence and hope. Check it out, its funny and serious and unbelievibly full of hope.

A little lost....a little found.

So the week has been crazy busy as usual. We are getting ready to move into the new portion of the building and its a matter getting everything in order. Along with finishing all the end of year crap, its been a bit overwhelming. I sometimes feel I am being pulled in 20 different directions at work, trying to please everyone and taking no time to concentrate on my work. As a result I am so far behind on all of my stuff, while getting everything caught up for everyone else. So when we have our meetings and I can't explain why my stuff isn't done, but hey, everyone else is doing great. I hope sometimes my boss realizes that I am working my butt off everyday.
Switching gears....my brother is getting married in October! I am really excited because: 1) I love his fiancee, she brings out the best in him, 2) its in Vegas, and 3)I will get to see my brother again. For those who don't know my brother lives in California, bout a hour outside of San Francisco. Now here comes the fun part of trying to be able to find the money to go to Vegas. We are talking about driving. We looked at ticket prices and its gonna run close to $400 per person. Along with hotel and everything, there would be no way. Hopefully the driving will work out.
Still no news on the baby-trying front, maybe by the time we go to Vegas we will have another little Wagner on the way, but regardless I am really happy with the two boys I have.

Old Friends New Friends

I went out last night with my oldest friend, Faith, we have been friends since first grade in Ms. Walden's class at Harper. Faith and I have grown apart over the years, but never really lost touch. We have had those disagreements that every friendship has, but have maintained throughout. In April we really began to become close again, and from there she began working in my office and so on and so forth. I would like to think that true friends can stay friends with even the biggest and longest distance between them.
I am not one to make a lot of friends, maybe my trust issues, but I know that I can count on her and I hope she feels the same for me. She has become the most amazing mother I could have ever imagined and when i call her to ask what I should do for my child that is lying or my child that won't listen, she doesn't act like I should already know the answer but guides me in the right direction.
So we made a "resolution" of sorts to at least go out one night a month without husbands or children. So here's to a new year again with old friends that make the best new friends!