I haven't ever been a person to be down or agitated. Sure I get my bad moods but they don't last long and usually get over them fairly quickly, but lately I have been struggling. I love my job for those of you who read this and don't know I worked in a job for 9 years that I HATED. I dreaded everyday going to work and was even forced on early maternity leave because of all the stress it created, but still I didn't struggle as I am now. Work has become a difficult place to be and as I struggle to grasp why I am so unhappy I find myself questioning if I even want to walk into work.
I know I am lucky to have a well paying job that comes with some good benefits, but really is that what I want when I am so lost that I can't seem to even be happy. For me I am a perfectionist, I don't like to fail I strive to overachieve but I struggle to get out of bed to go to work. I wonder what will the day bring, what problems will arise today. Am I truly failing? Do I truly love what I am doing?
Struggling to be happy at home to hide the sadness is becoming difficult. I want to be a good mom to make their lives the best they can be but can they see it? Am I hiding it well enough? I don't want to feel sorry for myself anymore, I want to be happy. I want to love my job as much as I did a few months ago but it takes all I have to just get up and function.
